Welmer

I never thought I’d ever get involved in the lolcat genre, but a disgruntled neighbor forced my hand following an alleged altercation involving Nelson, my cat. According to the neighbor, Nelson attacked her cat, and when she tried to intervene he “lunged at her” and bit her leg. Following the incident, I had a phone conversation with my neighbor in which she suggested I have my cat lethally injected for the transgression. I objected, of course, and mentioned that I had seen her cat in my house recently, so for all I knew if they were actually fighting she was the aggressor. I also told my neighbor, in so many words, that I was skeptical about her allegations concerning my cat’s assault on her person, but I stated a willingness to cooperate to keep the cats apart. Evidently, that wasn’t enough for her, and she was determined to exact vengeance on my cat for what she considered capital crimes, so she brought the strong arm of the law into the dispute. Up to this point, the incident had been petty and absurd, but when authorities were brought into the picture it became downright bizarre.

The day after the phone conversation, I saw a mobile detention unit pull up in front of my house, out of which stepped a large man in uniform, shod in heavy boots and sporting a shiny silver badge. Although I knew why he was there, I still couldn’t really believe it was happening. Clipboard in hand, industrial strength can of mace and taser gun hanging from either side of his hip, the animal control officer approached my door. Worried about the impending arrest of my cat, I stepped outside to meet him halfway, hoping Nelson would stay out of sight. The officer, who turned out to be a friendly, jovial guy, broke the news I expected to hear, telling me what he had heard about the incident, and why he had to respond. Evidently, Nelson would have to be booked on suspicion of aggravated mangling and simple assault. The alleged mangling had resulted in the hospitalization of Nelson’s enemy, so his veterinary records would be impounded as well.

Fearing he would be incarcerated at the local animal jail, I was reluctant to surrender Nelson, but the officer assured me that he could be booked and released to my custody. So I went to fetch my cat, upon which he was scanned for his digital fingerprint and photographed for a mug shot. The officer stated that he didn’t think the matter would be pursued any further, since the most serious charge – the mangling – was not directly witnessed and there was no evidence that he had actually assaulted my neighbor. I suggested that the mangling may have been the result of raccoon activity in the neighborhood, and he seemed to accept that explanation as a possibility.

After booking Nelson, the officer left to pick up his veterinary records, and I haven’t heard from animal control or my neighbor since. To me, the entire episode simply confirmed the strange nature of our tightly-controlled society. When even disputes between cats are referred to authorities, one wonders where it will stop. Could someone get a visit from an officer for letting dandelions grow in his lawn? How about letting little kids run around naked in the sun? It’s about time society started letting up on the control impulse and just let things be.