As our soldiers are finding themselves called upon to take up the heavy burden of multiple deployments in Iraq and Afghanistan, they are finding themselves divorced by their wives in record numbers. Additionally, American military wives have gained notoriety for adultery and callous treatment of their soldier husbands. Even as Hillary Clinton demands that American men sacrifice their lives for the rights of Afghan women, these same soldiers are being ridiculed and cheated by their own wives back home. Why the silence over the rampant promiscuity of military wives, whose husbands are putting their lives on the line to defend women’s rights all over the world?
Let there be no mistake about the fact that American military deployment in Afghanistan is primarily about imposing American family law on foreign cultures — there was more outrage in the press and political circles over an Afghan family law bill than there has been over the potential for terrorist attacks on American soil. The supreme irony is that although these hard-pressed American soldiers give their blood, sweat and tears to protect women’s rights, their own wives are bouncing from one man’s bed to the next, cuckolding their soldier husbands even as they pine away for home in the barren mountains of Afghanistan and deserts of Iraq.
Many people attempt to excuse the military wives’ infidelity by saying that they can’t handle the “strain” of multiple deployments. What ought to be asked is who is more “strained,” the soldier being shot at in a foreign land or the wife with full benefits back home? Obviously, the primary strain faced by military wives is boredom. Their husbands are gone, so why shouldn’t they sleep around? It’s a woman’s prerogative, after all…
For some inexplicable reason, the epidemic of divorce and adultery brought on by bored, “unfulfilled” military wives is largely ignored by the press. Perhaps it is because the soldiers don’t contribute much to Lifetime’s ratings while stationed in barracks halfway around the world. However, the gravest injustice of all is that a military wife can prepare to divorce her husband while he is deployed, and then nail him with papers the minute he gets home. It’s virtually a guaranteed slam-dunk, and if children are involved she gets veteran’s benefits for the rest of her life, and up to half his military pension. In fact, if she has children with the servicemember she can still live on base.
It is no wonder that Janet Napolitano, the brutally mannish head of the Department of Homeland Security, has issued a report detailing the need to monitor “disaffected” soldiers returning from war. It is necessary, according to Napolitano and DHS, to keep a close eye on these men lest they get overly upset about the injustice that has been visited upon them by a biased American family law system that treats them as spent shells after serving their own country. What is paramount, according to Napolitano and DHS, is making sure they don’t get too uppity and start working against the very system that used their patriotism to disenfranchise them.
13 responses so far ↓
1 novaseeker // Apr 28, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Yes, yes, Welmer. Yes.
The specific scenario you describe is doubly insidious: not only do men get the shaft in family court (almost all men do), but these men are fighting for the same government that takes away their rights without regard to the constitution, so that women in foreign countries can screw over the men there, too!
This is where men become the expendable tools of female power and the spread of feminist-inspired family law globally. And yet they decry other aspects of supposed “cultural imperialism” — it turns out that good old CI is just fine when what you are exporting and imperializing is feminist doctrine.
More fundamentally, the fact that the constitution does not apply in domestic relations cases effectively means that men have no rights under the constitution with respect to the core issues of their lives: their homes, their kids, their incomes. That in itself underscores where men should be with respect to our government, instead of furthering women’s interests while their own wives cuckold them with the support of the state.
Military marriage has always been a strain. But the state that has these guys fighting for it should not disenfranchise them in family court with no constitutional rights — that is just an obscenity, and it frankly calls into question the entirety of the system, soup to nuts.
2 Justin // Apr 28, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Wow, great analysis. I had never thought of it that way. To take it to the next level, what is your recommendation for policy change?
3 novaseeker // Apr 28, 2009 at 10:14 pm
A couple of ideas come to mind.
One is that military wives should be frozen from initiating divorce while husbands are in active, deployed service, away from their wives, and also for a “cool down” period of 6 months after homecoming. The current system allows women to cuckold and cash in. There are even cases where men have been POWs, and come home to go to jail here for not having made child support payments while they were POWs. The whole system is deeply rigged — it needs reform, and in the meantime, a massive strike against it.
As for the rest, there is no sensible reason that the constitution should not apply in domestic relations cases, other than that the federal courts would see a flood of cases. But that is no reason to say that the constitution does not, in effect, apply (federal courts defer to the states on this, even though many federal cases say clearly that parental rights are fundamental constitutional rights .. feminists have broadsided that by taking advantage of judicial “comity” between the feds and the states, and basically taken that fundamental rights analysis away from parents, especially fathers, by accepting that the federal courts and constitution do not apply.
Policy changes? Mandate that the constitution applies to any issue separating a man from his home, income or children. Beyond that, the specific changes I recommend for military wives seem reasonable — yet unsaleable politically, because women would never agree to it.
4 Welmer // Apr 29, 2009 at 12:17 am
I’m not sure we can take it to the next level without some fundamental changes. In a way, I think that these countries we are trying to force to adopt our values are better off than we are. Sure, they may be poorer and weaker, but culturally they are far stronger than America. They have been around a long time, and empires have come and gone, but the people remain. In fact, I think they may come out culturally stronger for having weathered the storm.
For us, on the other hand, I really don’t know what the end result will be. I think of what the Russians went through, and imagine it might be something like that. That would be unfortunate, because even post-Communist Russian society is a mess.
As novaseeker has pointed out, our primary problem is a lack of justice. Ironically, our enemies the Taliban have made major advances by promising to restore justice in Afghanistan and Pakistan. That is their biggest political asset, and here we are subjecting our own fighting men to a massive injustice. It gives me the sense that we are going to lose in the long run, because no amount of UNIFEM press releases and feminist outrage can prevail over a nation of armed men fighting for the right to live as they see fit.
5 Megan // Sep 25, 2009 at 8:47 am
You fail to recognize the military women who sacrifice just as much, and leave their husbands at home. You also make it seem like cheating is the norm. It’s not. The deployed men who have cheating wives at home often have more problems in their marriage aside from just being gone. There are many easy, creative ways for a deployed military member to keep their marriage strong while they’re deployed. If their decision is to abandon that role while they’re gone, they deserve for their spouses to leave them. Also, there are plenty of married men who cheat on their wives while they’re deployed. Mostly with younger, single females in the military. The wife at home is left with that sick feeling of neglect, but she never knows that when her husband finally comes home and they make love for the first time in months, she’s sleeping with more than just her husband.
6 Megan // Sep 25, 2009 at 8:51 am
To novaseeker –
You might be able to make two military members married to each other wait 6 months before filing for divorce (they both answer to UCMJ). But you can’t do that to a civilian who never signed on the dotted line. The civilian spouse has zero obligation to her country.
7 Mary // Oct 8, 2009 at 11:37 am
I don’t know if any of you are military. Speeking on behave of Active Duty Military woman and men, I am currently a married military woman and have two children from a prior marriage. I have to say that in my 9yrs of Active duty, I have seen more men cheat on woman, while they are deployed (aka TDY) due to the flawed quote that “what goes TDY stays TDY”. Most Civilian people in the general public don’t see this. Alot of time the men will actually get away with cheating stating “my wife and I have an open relationship” or “my wife cuts me loose while I am a way”. However, if an active duty military woman cheats on he husband reguardless of whether he is in the military or not she will most likely get an Article 15 and is subjected to other issues such as, being shunned by other military members, talked badly about, other paperwork (so called paperwork trails) that will help to “see her way out of the military”. I am currently going through a divorce due to my husband lying about everything from, where he grew up, to sending money to me to help support my family back home, and even having a girlfriend that he is totally in love with. I have no help from anyone all the way up the chain of command (both his or mine) or Family Advocacy because I am also active duty. What really doesn’t make sense is the fact that if I were civilian he would be subject to a court martial and jail time and be responsible to owe me 1/2 of his earnings as quoted in an early comment above. I am proud to serve my country. . There are more domestic violance cases when the men you talk so highly of, come home from deployments. Not just to his wife but to children also, yes, inpart due to the violance they say or had to partake on while deployed, but also due to the fact that they can not handle being married and in fact NEED to be divorced. Please remember that we as women in the military (whether serving our country or being married into the military) have it not as great as thoes on the “outside” perceive us to have it
8 Brittany // Oct 10, 2009 at 11:30 am
Maybe you should look at the wives. I myself am a military wife. And yes while my husband was deployed I made a mistake. But he cheated twice while over there AND it would make the 8th and 9th time that he had done so. But we tried or at least I tried to fix things after his return. He was to be stationed 200 miles from our home(he’s resurve) so I agreeded to move as close as I could without breaking any rules the military had set. I left everyone I knew and cared about to make things work with him. I had no car and after six month I still don’t. I have a tv and some movies but no cable or anything else, the only Internet I have is on my cell phone. I also live off a divided highway so the only chance my children and I have to leave is when he’s here. He’s now decided to get a divorce. But said he would like us to stay here until it’s final. However he’s now sleeping with another woman and only comes around once every week and a half if that. I’m no longer allowed in his truck meaning I haven’t left my home in over a month. I’m always running out of food and a lot of times have to make our children go without because he’s got other plans. We never seem to have any money, but from paying bills before I know it comes out to were we should have over 3000 left in the bank each month. And yet I still have no car and broken glasses that were goin to be replaced 3 weeks ago. So tell me why should this man be able to have the law on his side when our children and I are trapped in a house with no food and nothing to do?
9 Professor Hale // Oct 13, 2009 at 7:08 am
All,
I’ve been in the military a long time.
1. Lots of people cheat. I cannot tell if one gender cheats more than the other. It seems to be about equal.
2. The vast majority do not cheat.
3. Military life is stressful and long deployments bring out the worst in people. Some people act out by cheating, some do it by shopping into poverty. But most people do just fine.
4. Lots of people in the military get divorced. The military incentivises marriage tot he point where young soldiers get married for themoney and perks, with very little comprehension of what they are gettting into. Divorce is a natural outcome of that. Geographical separation from the larger family cuts off young couples from the support networks they would otherwise have to deal with the normal hardships in life. The military has a hundred different programs to healp young soldiers deal with stuff. They are for the most part ineffective. They cannot replace a garing extended family.
5. Divorce and separation is governed by state law, not military policy. In Virginia, there is already a 1 year “cooling off period”, irrespective of military service.
6. The military has a very old and honorable reason to prosecute adultery and it have nothing to do with Victorian values. It is a David/Bathsheba thing. Military commanders can send other men to their death, or to far away places, to make access to lonely wives easier. This is intollerable and will lead to murder and the breakdown of military order and disciline.
7. It is a universal fear among army wives that the young military women are all sluts who want their husbands. The truth is, that older Army women are dykes so Army wives do not have so much to worry about.
8. Women in uniform get divorced at a higher rate than men. I speculate that this is because the military provides for their financial support and day care so that they have no incentive to work things out with a husband who pisses them off one day.
Brittany,
Get yourself a lawyer and get on with your divorce. Your “husband” is having it both ways and failing in his responsibilities under the laws of most states. Get a cheap car and a job. You are going to have bills to pay that your “husband” does not intend to cover. Get on with your life apart from him. Reconnect with your family to get through the rough parts. You cannot save your marriage. I would recommend you explain to your husband that a fair settlement with him up front will cost him less than one that involves lawyers. He has either been living it up or has a nest-egg set aside. You are entitled to a share of that. Try not to let the lawyer take it all.
Mary,
Stop whining. It is a myth that men are more prone to spouse abause than women. The stats for it are running 50-50. It is also a myth that military service make people more violent. When a wife or husband sleeps around, their reputation suffers. You may not see it or your may think your personal loss of reputation is worse than the others are getting, but it is all the same. All those men who are not cheating don’t wink and nod when other men cheat. Being a cheater is one of those things you do not want your boss to find out about because it will ruin your career. It shows you cannot be trusted. In some positions, it shows unacceptable character weakness. For a woman in a leadership position, it makes you a slut instead of a leader. Men will only follow a slut for one reason.
10 Erin // Dec 3, 2009 at 5:05 am
I am in the process of divorce right now. My husband is currently in Iraq.
While he was in Iraq, I found out that he has been cheating on me the entire time we’ve been together (even before we got married). He’s a sex addict and can’t live without his hookers.
I offered to wait until he returned from Iraq to file (after trying to encourage him to change so that we could work things out and attempt to save our marriage… he wouldn’t change). He is the one who chose to have me file while he is still there.
Our divorce will be final in a couple of weeks.
Yes, there are some cases of adultery in the military. Yes, sometimes it is the wife here at home while her husband is faithfully serving.
But that is not NEARLY as common as you make it seem.
11 Annitra // Jan 17, 2010 at 12:25 am
This column is B.S…..what about the military husbands that take their wives for granted and getting turned on by other women or even porn more than their own wives. Soldiers are not INNOCENT as you make them out to be here. Yes, I agree, there are some wives that leave their soldiers for other men because they simply cannot handle being a strong woman and they should pay the consequences of being cut out of his benefits but it is not so common as you may suggest. Many divorces that occur in military life is due to unfullfilled marriages courtesy of the high demands of the military. Soldiers tend to leave on their deployments and come back incredibly different. NO , its not their faults, but if they are not willing to admit it and work on it for the sake of their spouses then divorce occurs. I am a military wife, and I really do not appreciate being made to look like we are ungrateful for all our spouses do and that we just want to get our asses humped every five minutes while they are away!
12 Ryan // Jan 19, 2010 at 10:15 am
To Brittany: There is a lot you can do about this abuse. I have been in the military for a while now and there are several options you have. You can file domestic abuse charges (because this a sure sign of domestic abuse), go to his 1sgt, or just leave. If you were to call his 1sgt he would immediately have to stop everything he’s doing wrong. Stop letting him walk all over you and stick up for yourself.
13 Torn Soldier // Jan 26, 2010 at 11:53 am
One thing that nobody has touched on yet, and something that I think is so gruesomely wrong with society, more specifically military communities, is the bystanders lack of willingness to speak up when someone is doing their spouse dirty.
I’m a soldier getting ready to start the divorce process after finding out a couple months ago that my wife has cheated on me throughout our whole 7 year marriage and then some. Even when I was in AIT and she was back home planning our wedding. She’s cheated on me with 11 different people for a total of almost 30 times to include a pregnancy and an abortion while I was deployed to iraq and we were planning a baby of our own when i came home for mid-tour leave, which she actually went through with. I didn’t find out until way after. The list of horrendous things that she did would make any normal person throw up, i’m getting sick just typing about it. From unprotected encounters to public places, right after talking to me on the phone while with another guy. And the real kicker is……she didn’t hide from any one but me. She wasn’t discrete, all my neighbors knew, her whole family, all her friends, some people that i thought were my friends knew. AND NOBODY SAID S*%#!!!!! FOR YEARS!!!!! It took the wife of one of the men that she cheated on me with to open my eyes…..years later.
Everybody says, “it’s none of my business,” or “well I don’t know for sure,” or “I don’t want to hurt their kids.” The fact that everybody around me knew and said nothing hurts just as bad as the actual cheating. Nobody gave enough of a shit about me to speak up, until a pissed off wife did it out of vengeance against my soon to be ex-wife.
And now because of somebody else, whom I couldn’t physically control their actions, I’m all messed up and have to be lonely and depressed and sad and angry. And worst of all, “I” am losing my kids, all four of them. One of which I just finally got custody of from a previous ex after having her with held from me for over six years.
I can’t take it sometimes.
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