Comments on: The Treachery of Military Wives

By: Torn Soldier

Torn Soldier — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 18:53:31 +0000

One thing that nobody has touched on yet, and something that I think is so gruesomely wrong with society, more specifically military communities, is the bystanders lack of willingness to speak up when someone is doing their spouse dirty.
I’m a soldier getting ready to start the divorce process after finding out a couple months ago that my wife has cheated on me throughout our whole 7 year marriage and then some. Even when I was in AIT and she was back home planning our wedding. She’s cheated on me with 11 different people for a total of almost 30 times to include a pregnancy and an abortion while I was deployed to iraq and we were planning a baby of our own when i came home for mid-tour leave, which she actually went through with. I didn’t find out until way after. The list of horrendous things that she did would make any normal person throw up, i’m getting sick just typing about it. From unprotected encounters to public places, right after talking to me on the phone while with another guy. And the real kicker is……she didn’t hide from any one but me. She wasn’t discrete, all my neighbors knew, her whole family, all her friends, some people that i thought were my friends knew. AND NOBODY SAID S*%#!!!!! FOR YEARS!!!!! It took the wife of one of the men that she cheated on me with to open my eyes…..years later.
Everybody says, “it’s none of my business,” or “well I don’t know for sure,” or “I don’t want to hurt their kids.” The fact that everybody around me knew and said nothing hurts just as bad as the actual cheating. Nobody gave enough of a shit about me to speak up, until a pissed off wife did it out of vengeance against my soon to be ex-wife.
And now because of somebody else, whom I couldn’t physically control their actions, I’m all messed up and have to be lonely and depressed and sad and angry. And worst of all, “I” am losing my kids, all four of them. One of which I just finally got custody of from a previous ex after having her with held from me for over six years.
I can’t take it sometimes.

By: Ryan

Ryan — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 17:15:29 +0000

To Brittany: There is a lot you can do about this abuse. I have been in the military for a while now and there are several options you have. You can file domestic abuse charges (because this a sure sign of domestic abuse), go to his 1sgt, or just leave. If you were to call his 1sgt he would immediately have to stop everything he’s doing wrong. Stop letting him walk all over you and stick up for yourself.

By: Annitra

Annitra — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 07:25:59 +0000

This column is B.S…..what about the military husbands that take their wives for granted and getting turned on by other women or even porn more than their own wives. Soldiers are not INNOCENT as you make them out to be here. Yes, I agree, there are some wives that leave their soldiers for other men because they simply cannot handle being a strong woman and they should pay the consequences of being cut out of his benefits but it is not so common as you may suggest. Many divorces that occur in military life is due to unfullfilled marriages courtesy of the high demands of the military. Soldiers tend to leave on their deployments and come back incredibly different. NO , its not their faults, but if they are not willing to admit it and work on it for the sake of their spouses then divorce occurs. I am a military wife, and I really do not appreciate being made to look like we are ungrateful for all our spouses do and that we just want to get our asses humped every five minutes while they are away!

By: Erin

Erin — Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:05:27 +0000

I am in the process of divorce right now. My husband is currently in Iraq.

While he was in Iraq, I found out that he has been cheating on me the entire time we’ve been together (even before we got married). He’s a sex addict and can’t live without his hookers.

I offered to wait until he returned from Iraq to file (after trying to encourage him to change so that we could work things out and attempt to save our marriage… he wouldn’t change). He is the one who chose to have me file while he is still there.

Our divorce will be final in a couple of weeks.

Yes, there are some cases of adultery in the military. Yes, sometimes it is the wife here at home while her husband is faithfully serving.

But that is not NEARLY as common as you make it seem.

By: Professor Hale

Professor Hale — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 14:08:53 +0000

All,
I’ve been in the military a long time.

1. Lots of people cheat. I cannot tell if one gender cheats more than the other. It seems to be about equal.

2. The vast majority do not cheat.

3. Military life is stressful and long deployments bring out the worst in people. Some people act out by cheating, some do it by shopping into poverty. But most people do just fine.

4. Lots of people in the military get divorced. The military incentivises marriage tot he point where young soldiers get married for themoney and perks, with very little comprehension of what they are gettting into. Divorce is a natural outcome of that. Geographical separation from the larger family cuts off young couples from the support networks they would otherwise have to deal with the normal hardships in life. The military has a hundred different programs to healp young soldiers deal with stuff. They are for the most part ineffective. They cannot replace a garing extended family.

5. Divorce and separation is governed by state law, not military policy. In Virginia, there is already a 1 year “cooling off period”, irrespective of military service.

6. The military has a very old and honorable reason to prosecute adultery and it have nothing to do with Victorian values. It is a David/Bathsheba thing. Military commanders can send other men to their death, or to far away places, to make access to lonely wives easier. This is intollerable and will lead to murder and the breakdown of military order and disciline.

7. It is a universal fear among army wives that the young military women are all sluts who want their husbands. The truth is, that older Army women are dykes so Army wives do not have so much to worry about.

8. Women in uniform get divorced at a higher rate than men. I speculate that this is because the military provides for their financial support and day care so that they have no incentive to work things out with a husband who pisses them off one day.

Brittany,
Get yourself a lawyer and get on with your divorce. Your “husband” is having it both ways and failing in his responsibilities under the laws of most states. Get a cheap car and a job. You are going to have bills to pay that your “husband” does not intend to cover. Get on with your life apart from him. Reconnect with your family to get through the rough parts. You cannot save your marriage. I would recommend you explain to your husband that a fair settlement with him up front will cost him less than one that involves lawyers. He has either been living it up or has a nest-egg set aside. You are entitled to a share of that. Try not to let the lawyer take it all.

Mary,
Stop whining. It is a myth that men are more prone to spouse abause than women. The stats for it are running 50-50. It is also a myth that military service make people more violent. When a wife or husband sleeps around, their reputation suffers. You may not see it or your may think your personal loss of reputation is worse than the others are getting, but it is all the same. All those men who are not cheating don’t wink and nod when other men cheat. Being a cheater is one of those things you do not want your boss to find out about because it will ruin your career. It shows you cannot be trusted. In some positions, it shows unacceptable character weakness. For a woman in a leadership position, it makes you a slut instead of a leader. Men will only follow a slut for one reason.

By: Brittany

Brittany — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 18:30:36 +0000

Maybe you should look at the wives. I myself am a military wife. And yes while my husband was deployed I made a mistake. But he cheated twice while over there AND it would make the 8th and 9th time that he had done so. But we tried or at least I tried to fix things after his return. He was to be stationed 200 miles from our home(he’s resurve) so I agreeded to move as close as I could without breaking any rules the military had set. I left everyone I knew and cared about to make things work with him. I had no car and after six month I still don’t. I have a tv and some movies but no cable or anything else, the only Internet I have is on my cell phone. I also live off a divided highway so the only chance my children and I have to leave is when he’s here. He’s now decided to get a divorce. But said he would like us to stay here until it’s final. However he’s now sleeping with another woman and only comes around once every week and a half if that. I’m no longer allowed in his truck meaning I haven’t left my home in over a month. I’m always running out of food and a lot of times have to make our children go without because he’s got other plans. We never seem to have any money, but from paying bills before I know it comes out to were we should have over 3000 left in the bank each month. And yet I still have no car and broken glasses that were goin to be replaced 3 weeks ago. So tell me why should this man be able to have the law on his side when our children and I are trapped in a house with no food and nothing to do?

By: Mary

Mary — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 18:37:41 +0000

I don’t know if any of you are military. Speeking on behave of Active Duty Military woman and men, I am currently a married military woman and have two children from a prior marriage. I have to say that in my 9yrs of Active duty, I have seen more men cheat on woman, while they are deployed (aka TDY) due to the flawed quote that “what goes TDY stays TDY”. Most Civilian people in the general public don’t see this. Alot of time the men will actually get away with cheating stating “my wife and I have an open relationship” or “my wife cuts me loose while I am a way”. However, if an active duty military woman cheats on he husband reguardless of whether he is in the military or not she will most likely get an Article 15 and is subjected to other issues such as, being shunned by other military members, talked badly about, other paperwork (so called paperwork trails) that will help to “see her way out of the military”. I am currently going through a divorce due to my husband lying about everything from, where he grew up, to sending money to me to help support my family back home, and even having a girlfriend that he is totally in love with. I have no help from anyone all the way up the chain of command (both his or mine) or Family Advocacy because I am also active duty. What really doesn’t make sense is the fact that if I were civilian he would be subject to a court martial and jail time and be responsible to owe me 1/2 of his earnings as quoted in an early comment above. I am proud to serve my country. . There are more domestic violance cases when the men you talk so highly of, come home from deployments. Not just to his wife but to children also, yes, inpart due to the violance they say or had to partake on while deployed, but also due to the fact that they can not handle being married and in fact NEED to be divorced. Please remember that we as women in the military (whether serving our country or being married into the military) have it not as great as thoes on the “outside” perceive us to have it

By: Megan

Megan — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:51:12 +0000

To novaseeker –

You might be able to make two military members married to each other wait 6 months before filing for divorce (they both answer to UCMJ). But you can’t do that to a civilian who never signed on the dotted line. The civilian spouse has zero obligation to her country.

By: Megan

Megan — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:47:01 +0000

You fail to recognize the military women who sacrifice just as much, and leave their husbands at home. You also make it seem like cheating is the norm. It’s not. The deployed men who have cheating wives at home often have more problems in their marriage aside from just being gone. There are many easy, creative ways for a deployed military member to keep their marriage strong while they’re deployed. If their decision is to abandon that role while they’re gone, they deserve for their spouses to leave them. Also, there are plenty of married men who cheat on their wives while they’re deployed. Mostly with younger, single females in the military. The wife at home is left with that sick feeling of neglect, but she never knows that when her husband finally comes home and they make love for the first time in months, she’s sleeping with more than just her husband.

By: Welmer

Welmer — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 07:17:22 +0000

I’m not sure we can take it to the next level without some fundamental changes. In a way, I think that these countries we are trying to force to adopt our values are better off than we are. Sure, they may be poorer and weaker, but culturally they are far stronger than America. They have been around a long time, and empires have come and gone, but the people remain. In fact, I think they may come out culturally stronger for having weathered the storm.

For us, on the other hand, I really don’t know what the end result will be. I think of what the Russians went through, and imagine it might be something like that. That would be unfortunate, because even post-Communist Russian society is a mess.

As novaseeker has pointed out, our primary problem is a lack of justice. Ironically, our enemies the Taliban have made major advances by promising to restore justice in Afghanistan and Pakistan. That is their biggest political asset, and here we are subjecting our own fighting men to a massive injustice. It gives me the sense that we are going to lose in the long run, because no amount of UNIFEM press releases and feminist outrage can prevail over a nation of armed men fighting for the right to live as they see fit.