Exploring the East, Revisiting the West

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What to Ask Your Prospective Bride

September 19th, 2009 · 24 Comments

Although it’s pretty clear that a lot of the blame for problems in modern relationships can be laid squarely at the feet of young women, we ought to at least ask why they are such miserable failures compared to their grandmothers. They are genetically pretty much the same people, after all, so there must have been something about their upbringing that made them worse than useless as wives. Well, I guess we all know that’s pretty obvious, but how often do we get down to brass tacks and ask “what really makes the difference?”

Having had the dubious benefit of having raised a couple of children for almost five years, much of the time all by my lonesome, I’ve started to get an idea of what’s going on. One thing I can say is that raising kids, although rewarding in some incomprehensible way, is hell. I’ve never had a harder job. Doing it yourself is an exercise in masochism, or maybe martyrdom, which is why I don’t believe all the BS about “single mothers” going it alone. In fact, I’ve never, ever met a single mother who did it alone. Women are better at social networking for a reason: they need to be to get help raising kids.

Nevertheless, modern young women are particularly deluded about childrearing. Most of them have no more experience than a few weeks in total of babysitting kids during the easiest possible age bracket — between the ages of six and twelve. Your typical parent wouldn’t dream of allowing a teenage girl to babysit an infant or toddler for more than a couple of hours, and in that event would do their utmost to set everything up for the babysitter so that it went as smoothly as possible.

So young women come into marriage without a clue. In days past this wasn’t the case. Just as boys in old times would be expected to handle firearms, chop wood, and deal with large, dangerous farm animals, girls would be thrust into the business of childrearing and homemaking as soon as they had the strength to pick up a child and handle a cast-iron skillet. Now, these girls are texting on mobile phones and chatting with friends online all night as soon as they’re done with their homework.

However, the instinct to be a grown woman and mother remains, so girls dream of the traditional marriage without having any idea what it really means. Therefore, as a guy who’s been there and back again, I’d like to give other men an idea of what they really ought to be thinking about if they are serious about a traditional marriage, so I’ve come up with a few questions to ask women before tying the knot:

  • Can you handle the obliteration of your former physique for at least eighteen months for each child you bear?
  • Could you drive a car with someone screaming into your ear at a high volume for a prolonged period of time, day after day, without losing your cool and/or crashing?
  • Would you be able to interrupt your dinner to put your hands on human excrement, and then return and finish eating?
  • Can you go for weeks without sleeping more than a couple hours at a time?
  • Are you prepared to handle a 1000% increase in housework?
  • Can you see yourself acting as impartially as a referee in a boxing match during sibling disputes?
  • If your sex life were to evaporate, would you still be able to retain a fair perspective concerning your spouse?
  • Does the prospect of being chained to a few little hellions every minute of the day, at the risk of prosecution if you fail to do so, seem bearable?
  • Can you sacrifice your shoe budget for family necessities?
  • Would you be able to control your hormonal mood swings enough to prevent yourself from blowing your marriage sky-high?
  • Do you have enough sense to stop and look for the light at the end of the tunnel?

If a woman says no to any of these, she’s a bad bet. Not to say there’d necessarily be a divorce (although chances are better than even), but the road will be very rough. Unfortunately, this probably comprises at least 75% of young American women. Their mothers, indoctrinated as they were by 1970s feminism, did a huge disservice to society. Not only did they frequently emasculate their sons; they coddled their daughters, teaching them to be the cheap facsimiles of men we are so familiar with today.

Is it possible to change a girl who has grown up within this milieu? I have my doubts. Even with game, just keeping things together with such a woman requires a Herculean effort from most men, and we have to be honest with ourselves and ask whether it’s even worth it.

However, if you are a guy who wants to knuckle under and go for it anyway, ask these questions. If you can’t ask your girlfriend, at least ask yourself about her and try to detach yourself from your feelings for her so that you can be as honest as possible about the answers. Although the conclusion might be depressing, it could save you from a kind of pain you never suspected you could be subjected to.

Tags: Men

24 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Talleyrand // Sep 20, 2009 at 8:17 am


    I think you’re on the low end there. There’s a reason so many divorces occur with little kids.

    Nice post

  • 2 NoBody // Sep 20, 2009 at 8:23 am

    This speaks to the great, deep truth that no one really wants to address:

    People ask, “Why are so few of our young men getting married, and why are there so few children?”


    Marriage is not worth it, and, most of the time, children are not worth it.

    My cousin had two children back to back when she was eighteen. She and I got along very well, and she told me, “This is not worth it. You are a single man. The world is yours. You can go anywhere, and do anything. I am trapped with these little bastards until they are at least 21. I love them more than I can say, but I hate being trapped like this.”

    Studies of marital satisfaction are virtually unanimous when respondents report the best years of the marriage are before the children are born, and after they are gone.

    This might also explain why men nominally complain about long commutes to work, but are quite happy with them.

    Peace, quiet, and silence for hours a day.

  • 3 MarkyMark // Sep 20, 2009 at 10:26 am


    The best thing to do is not place yourself in a POSITION where you need to ask these questions! IOW, don’t get married, nor get close to it…


  • 4 Tarl // Sep 20, 2009 at 11:57 am

    I sure wasn’t ready to have kids when I was 18. Or when I was 28. Now that I have them, I am very glad I have them. Yeah, it put a serious dent in my free time. But what was I using that free time for? Reading, trolling the internet, and playing video games was a lot of it. When all is taken with all, I am glad to sacrifice that essentially wasted free time for child-raising time.

    So far my wife has answered “yes” to all those questions. Hope that remains her answer as time goes on. =)

  • 5 Pro-Male/Anti-Feminist Tech // Sep 20, 2009 at 1:21 pm

    First of all you need to ask those questions with sodium pentothal.

    Can you sacrifice your shoe budget for family necessities?

    I’m guessing nearly all women will fail this question.

    we ought to at least ask why they are such miserable failures compared to their grandmothers.

    How much better were their grandmothers really? Their grandmothers didn’t have the option of cashing out with a divorce so in that sense they were better, but how often were their grandmothers causing miserable marriages? I suspect quite often.

  • 6 Tarl // Sep 20, 2009 at 5:20 pm

    “how often were their grandmothers causing miserable marriages? I suspect quite often.”

    Maybe, but if you’re in a situation you can’t easily get out of (i.e. marriage back then) and the options are unattractive if you do get out of it, you have much less incentive to cause misery. Women back then actually had good reasons to work at their marriages and make men happy, how about that!

  • 7 novaseeker // Sep 20, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    Children are a blessing, but also a leading source of marital dissatisfaction.

    I think this happens because of the reasons Welmer cites, in part, in terms of people not being prepared for the life change, a sea change in your life really, that happens when kids arrive.

    I think another reason, though, is that when people have kids, they find it *very* hard to transition into a parenting marriage. What often happens is that the new parents shift into uber parenting mode, and the relationship goes on the back burner. That’s normal for a few months, actually, but it generally makes no-one happy and leads to the beginnings of resentments building up even that early. The couples whose marriages survive having kids are the ones who are able to take the relationship off the back burner and put it back on the front burner even 3-4 months after birth and work hard to get the relationship back to where it was, at least in some ways, romantically and sexually, *before* the kids arrived. Couples who do not do this suffer from quite substantial divorce rates and, even in intact marriages, rather low marital satisfaction.

    The problem is, of course, created by the reality that the expectations for marriage today are different than they were previously, and people are much more intolerant of any period of dissatisfaction. Even if they know it was caused by the transition to being parents, a good number of people are more interested in getting divorced so that they can “have another chance at being happy” than doing the sometimes hard work of fixing up the relationship they already have with the other parent of their children. This is reinforced both by social programming that screams that everyone should be happy 24/7, on the one hand, and, on the other, the reality that it is *very* hard to do serious relationship work when you have children under 5 — the time, energy, and emotional resources just aren’t often in sufficient supply due to the kids taking up a lot of them in this period.

    So, as I say, the couples who get through this are the ones who start to rekindle the romantic and sexual relationship relatively early after birth — 3-4 months. If it goes much longer than that, the level of resentment that builds in both H and W is often fatal to the marriage.

  • 8 Globalman // Sep 21, 2009 at 3:17 am

    Dude, feminism makes women un-marriagable…ever heard of the marriage strike….try reading http://www.henrymakow.com if you want to know what this is all about.

  • 9 Justin // Sep 21, 2009 at 9:12 am

    I think we used to call that whole list by one convenient label: the maternal instinct.

    The good news is, in the long run, these women without the maternal instinct are being bred out of the gene pool, since being a mother is now a choice.

    We live in that awkward time during which biology is still sorting itself out. Eventually, conservatives will swamp the gene pool and take over the culture again, because we are the one’s breeding.

    We are also the generation who was crushed in the face with NO preparation from our fathers on how to recognize and separate out these women with maternal instincts. We are generating that knowledge from scratch, and our sons will be far better prepared than we were.

    Here is a cliched newsflash for all you jaded fellows out there: the ladies with strong maternal instincts are easiest to find in church and through family recommendations, just like always. They aren’t hanging out in bars, so all the barfly game in the world won’t help you bag one.

  • 10 Justin // Sep 21, 2009 at 9:21 am

    These women with maternal instincts are just a stick in the eye to Game. They really are attracted to traditional men, those with stable characters, steady jobs, and the willingness to provide for them and their children. They want to be provided for, because they really love being mothers, and they are willing to put up with a lot to keep a marriage together and keep a good father for their children.

    They are everything Game says women are not. And thank God, their own warped values keeps Gamers far away from these good women, by denigrating such male behavior as “beta”.

    Poor Gamers. Hell, poor everybody. We are all so screwed up.

  • 11 novaseeker // Sep 21, 2009 at 10:29 am

    I agree that there are such women, Justin. The questions are (1) how many of them are there, in total and (2) how attractive are they to the men who are looking for a wifely type. Those are two big questions, I think, that impact the broader perspective for men as a whole, rather than the subset of Christian men.

  • 12 Justin // Sep 21, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    Nova, on the one hand, I am tempted to say, screw the wider subset of non-Christian men. You wanna have a lot of sex with the 7s, 8s, 9s, and 10s, good luck to you: study Game deeply, we all know it works.

    If you are interested in positive answers to Welmer’s questions-for-the-bride, character is primary, which Game is completely unconcerned with. So, how attractive are they? I say, very high, if your own values are screwed in straight.

    The women with feminine characters and strong maternal instincts are as dismayed and disgusted with the contemporary scene as we are. They are desperate to meet good men.

    If they are in a small minority, well, that balances just right, since good men are in short supply too.

    No one wants to hear my advice, because working on your own character is a lot harder than working on your inner/outer Game.

  • 13 Welmer // Sep 21, 2009 at 4:24 pm

    Justin, you are right about good women being attractive. Unfortunately, young men are going into the mating game with almost no instruction concerning this. I was really an idiot about women until I was about 30, but by that time I was already married and it was too late.

    Is it possible to educate young men to choose wisely? Maybe, but nowadays how many of them are actually taken aside by an older, wiser guy and told in a very serious manner how vitally important it is? Very few, I think. This was part of the point of my post — I think it’s my social responsibility to tell younger men what really matters. I think most young women still instinctively want to be happy wives/mothers, but they don’t know how. Perhaps the only way they’ll learn is by being denied marriage if they don’t measure up. Their education would take a big effort on the part of parents and society in general, and I’m not sure people want to put the time into that endeavor anymore.

    So maybe now only the women who are truly a cut above will make suitable wives, but where does that leave most men? Not in a very good place.

  • 14 Get Real // Sep 21, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    Another question to ask a prospective bride there Welmer is if she would ever DEVOTE a whole blog to talking about what she dislikes and disrespects in ‘her’ husband -

    ‘My Husband is Annoying’ is chock full of irritating traits of blog writer’s hubby – NYDailyNews.com

    “She’s airing their dirty laundry because he won’t pick up his.

    Tiffanie Wong of Brooklyn Heights recently started a blog to tell the world of her husband’s annoying habits.

    It’s called, not surprisingly, “My Husband Is Annoying.”

    Wong updates her blog every few days to lament on some of her husband’s quirkier antics. [...]


    Passive-aggressive beeyotch, huh?

  • 15 Savvy // Sep 23, 2009 at 1:36 am

    You know, you might want to ask the men the same questions…I mean seriously, some can’t.

    Many men look to sex as a way of us ladies showing our interest…seriously, a guy at the gym just told me this. How can those of us who don’t find a decent guy when there are so many who are ruining it for the decent of both sexes?

  • 16 Savvy // Sep 23, 2009 at 1:38 am

    Justin—so true, so true.

  • 17 Relationship tip #9 « For the scattered flock // Sep 25, 2009 at 10:50 am

    [...] 25, 2009 by singlextianman This secular fellow has some good ideas about what to ask a prospective [...]

  • 18 Deborah // Oct 17, 2009 at 6:10 am

    These prospective questions are all excellent reasons as to why it is insanity for two parents, of very young children, to hold full time – 40+ hour a week – jobs.

    If both of the parents have such a low income that they need to work full time jobs in order to survive, they should at least get a grandmother, grandfather, or other willing family member who can manage the children. This is an arrangement I frequently see in low income, but family oriented, Hispanic and Middle Eastern immigrants.

    While feminists complain that the rules of the old days prevented women from supporting their families – in dire situations – there is much evidence to prove the contrary.

    The reality is that in the 50′s, 30 % of all American women had jobs – this 30% being the widowed or low income women who needed further means to support their families. I also know this, because both of my grandmothers were in that category. So much for the “glass ceiling.”

    Also, I think these prospective questions reveal why the family situation that came before the “nuclear family” of the 50′s, the conglomerate clan of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and parents who all lived together in the beginning of the 20th century, is the ultimate set up for child rearing. When humans began to move away from the tribe/clan set-up that has been the mold for our race for millenia – even in the 50′s – they were making a bold move away from the natural that would lead to the deterioration of society.

  • 19 ScareCrow // Nov 12, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    I’d say that any woman these days is a bad bet.

    Why bother asking them questions at all?

    All they have to do is guess what you want to hear before answering – based on the questions – any woman with a functioning brain can do that…

    Marriage is simply not worth it.

    It has no benefits for a man.

  • 20 WIFE // Jan 1, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Two of your questions are more suitably designed for HUSBANDS than wives;

    1. Can you handle the obliteration of my former physique for at least eighteen months for each child I bear?

    2. If your sex life were to evaporate, would you still be able to retain a fair perspective concerning your spouse?

  • 21 HUSBAND // Jan 24, 2010 at 3:50 pm

    1. Wife has obligation to keep her figure; get back in shape after childbirth

    2. no need to worry about man’s sex drive; woman needs to “pretend” even if her drive is not quite there

  • 22 Leonidas // Apr 4, 2010 at 5:35 pm

    ‘Women are better at social networking for a reason: they need to be to get help raising kids.’
    This is a feminist fallacy my friend! Pure BS they wnat you beleave in it. Truth is: Women are better at local one-to-one social networking but men are better at many-to-many social networking in the wider world.

  • 23 Michelle // Apr 19, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    You know, you might want to ask the men the same questions…I mean seriously, some can’t.

    Many men look to sex as a way of us ladies showing our interest…seriously, a guy at the gym just told me this. How can those of us who don’t find a decent guy when there are so many who are ruining it for the decent of both sexes?

  • 24 Alina // Aug 23, 2010 at 3:07 am

    I think most of that list is common sense, and i know quite well i would say no to most of it.

    I follow the bible almost perfectly despite the fact i do not really believe in god, i am agnostic.

    I do not drink, I certainly do not sleep around, and in fact I have not slept with anyone. (In that way)

    I believe my moral standards are higher than the average person.

    I know at least 4 other people that share my moral standards.

    My point is, whether you believe anything i have said or not is ones quality is by no means dependant on one’s religious beliefs.

    I personally find the notion, quite offensive.


    For a TRADITIONAL marriage i believe Welmer is exactly right.

    However i would also like to point out two things, one, and marriage is a religious concept, if you are not religious and doing it for reasons according to that of religious reasons there is no point to begin with.

    Marriage does not mean to have children, either.

    As far as i know, I agree with you. Game would have no effect on me, as i would refuse to sleep with a male that i did not have a deep relationship with and was in a relationship long enough to asses wtf i am doing with him and if i should be doing so.

    I believe people like myself are a minority, for both men and woman, and in reality, i know of no decent way to meet one another. As i doubt i would even be in most places “game” males are.

    I would not be at a church, certainly not a bar. Society today really does not pair people up in that way through family either.

    I have read many dating things and social relations, psychology interests me greatly and i am quite educated in the field. As far as i know, there is truly nothing to pair people up as we are all different, all have different priorities and values.

    Of course i am always open to new ideas and views on the matter.


    As far as weeding that “type” of person out of the gene pool, a person’s attitude and views on life has little to nothing to do with genetics.

    People will have that attitude, like myself, not to have children regardless of genetics.

    “No one wants to hear my advice, because working on your own character is a lot harder than working on your inner/outer Game.”

    I completely agree with that myself and i live by it.

    Judge not lest ye be judged yourself.

    One cannot change their external factors, only how they themselves influence them.

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